Top Dating Safety Tips For Transgender Community
September 25th, 2008 by Babe
TG women face potential violence not only as young women, but also as transgendered women. Because we have not had as many years of socialization as women compared to others our age, especially when just starting out, it’s easy to forget that young women in their teens and twenties are the most common targets of many violent crimes. Being a young woman is a very different dynamic than being a young man. You might still feel like you, but others will perceive you and act toward you in a very different way. Violence and harassment against the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community is real. Although violence is actually somewhat rare, it’s important to remember that about one TG woman a month gets killed in the US, and many more are seriously injured. Even something as seemingly small as verbal harassment can be pretty terrifying under certain conditions. It is possible to reduce your risk by avoiding common problems.
The highest risks transgenders take can be when dating, especially if your date doesn’t know our TG status. A good friend of mine once called me from a restaurant and said triumphantly, “I’m on a date with someone who would beat the shit out of me if he knew!” While this may seem like some sort of ultimate validation that you pass, it’s an excellent way to find yourself in an extremely dangerous situation.
Many young TG women, especially in large cities, don’t have cars and have to walk or take public transportation a lot. If it gets past a certain time of night, you might consider a cab or a ride from someone you know before heading out on foot. Even a bicycle is a better option than walking. I have been walking alone in relatively safe places like midtown Manhattan or Chicago’s loop and been approached by men in very aggressive ways.
Being out on the street at night is especially dangerous, even more so if you’re alone. For TG women, groups of young men are often the most dangerous types of street encounters. They can sometimes get a pack mentality, especially if you are clocked. It’s very important to be careful when walking alone, especially at night or in unfamiliar areas. If you’re going out, there are certain types of bars and party situations where you need to be even more careful, and they usually involve young men (and probably alcohol).
Most of this is common sense, but I think it’s worth reviewing. Learn to recognize potential problems and warning signs in your daily routine. Not every attack can be prevented. There are things you can do reduce your risk, though.
The most dangerous myth
- There’s a false notion that most violence against women is done by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. The truth is this: You are far more likely to be assaulted or killed by a date, coworker, or a friend than by a stranger. Being safe while out and about is important, but don’t get fooled into thinking that familiar situations with acquaintances are safe.
Self-defense
- Most people think of kicks to the groin and blocking punches when they hear the term “self-defense.” However, true self-defense begins long before any actual physical contact. The first, and probably most important, component in self-defense is awareness: awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and your potential attacker’s likely strategies. The criminal’s primary strategy is to use the advantage of surprise. Studies have shown that criminals are adept at choosing targets who appear to be unaware of what is going on around them. By being aware of your surroundings and by projecting a “force presence,” many altercations which are commonplace on the street can be avoided.
Stay alert
- Stay alert at all times and tuned in to your surroundings, wherever you are. Awareness is your best self-defense; know what is happening around you. Be especially careful if you are alone or drunk. Watch where you are going and what is going on around you. The same principles of defensive driving should be used when walking or going about your daily activities: Look for potential problems, and be prepared to react to them. The wearing of headphones while on foot or on public transportation can reduce your level of alertness.
Trust your instincts
- If you feel uncomfortable in a place or situation, leave right away and get help if necessary. Don’t assume a false sense of security because you are either surrounded by people or in a remote area. If you think something is wrong, remove yourself from the situation. Trust your gut — if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
Familiarize yourself with the area
- Get to know the neighborhoods and neighbors where you live and work. Find out what stores and restaurants are open late and where police and fire stations are located. Plan your route in advance, and vary your routes whenever possible. Evaluate and be aware of your surroundings. Use well-lit, busy streets. Keep a safe distance between you and others, and always have an out (somewhere you can turn to run if you feel threatened.) Walk with friends or a group. When you are out late at night, have a friend accompany you - don’t go alone. Let someone know where you will be going and when you will return. Avoid shortcuts, dark alleys, deserted streets and wooded areas.
- If you feel uneasy, trust your instincts and go directly to a place where there are other people. Walk on the part of the sidewalk close to the street and away from shrubbery, trees, or doorways. On less busy streets at night, it is sometimes safer to walk in the street rather than on the sidewalk.
Project confidence
- Walk as if you know where you’re going. Stand tall. Walk in a confident manner, and hold your head up. Keep your hands free and keep them chest high in crowds. Stand tall and walk confidently. Don’t make it obvious if you are in unfamiliar territory.
Handbags and accessories
- A good purse is one with a flap that folds over the opening and fastens at the bottom, and often has an interior zipper. The easiest purse for you to open is also the easiest for a pickpocket to steal from. Flaps should be secured and turned toward the body at all times. Backpacks are very easy to steal from, since it’s less likely you’ll feel someone reaching into it. Be careful of wearing it diagonally across your shoulders. Today’s modern purses are NOT fragile. The strap is often very strong. A man grabbing that strap and pulling on it will take your whole body with him, and it’s very very easy to get hurt that way. Better to let him have the purse than end up in the hospital with a broken ankle.
- Wallets should be carried in an inside coat pocket and cash in a front pants pocket. A rubber band tied several times around a wallet can increase friction and make it easier for you to notice if you are being pickpocketed. Avoid wearing excessive jewelry. In particular, keep necklaces and bracelets inside your clothing.
- Don’t carry large sums of cash. If you do carry cash, do not display it in public. If possible, carry only identification, phone numbers, and the credit cards you will need. Keep a list at home of credit cards and other important material you would need to replace in case of loss. Separate your house keys from your car keys. Women should keep their keys in places other than their purses. That way, if your purse is snatched, you will still have your keys. Keep names and phone numbers of relatives or friends on your person, in the event of an accident or emergency.
Elevators and entryways
- Attacks often happen when you have your keys out: when you’re closing up at work, in the vestibule of your building, at your front or back door, at your laundry room, at your car, or in elevators. Be especially aware as you enter or leave a building or car.
- Before entering an elevator, look at the persons already in the car. If you are uneasy, wait for the next elevator. If a suspicious person enters an elevator and you are uneasy, then get off right away. If you notice a person in an elevator has not pushed a floor indicator button, do not get off at your floor. Go back to the lobby and report the suspicious activity. Stand near the control buttons. If threatened or attacked, sound the alarm and push several floor buttons if possible.
Cars
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Always park your car in a busy, well lit area. In multistory car parks, try to park as near to the pay kiosk as possible. It is best to park in attended lots. If you must leave a key with the attendant, leave only the ignition key. In all other cases, lock your car. When going to your car, have your keys in your hand. Also, holding them so that the sharp part of the key protrudes through your fingers gives you a weapon. Always check your car before getting in - to make sure that no one is hiding inside. Have your house keys in your hand before you get out of the car, and vice versa.
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Do not leave ANY packages or personal items in open view in the car. Place them in the trunk. If you are in danger of being harmed or robbed, while in your car, start sounding your horn until assistance arrives. If you feel you are being followed, drive to the nearest police or fire station, or open filling station.
Public transportation
- While waiting for a bus, train, etc., stand near others who are also waiting. Upon arriving at your stop, be aware of those who get off with you. If you feel you are being followed, go to the nearest occupied building and ask for assistance. After dark, attempt to get off the bus in well-lighted areas. Use only well-lighted streets to reach your final destination.
If you feel threatened…
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By someone else on foot: Turn around to let the person know you’ve seen them. Try to get a description: height, weight, clothes, age, ethnicity, hair color and style, anything else distinguishable. Cross the street, change direction, run to a place where there are other people, or walk closer to traffic. Step out in the street on the other side of parked cars. Be alert when someone moves into your space, that three foot radius around you.
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By someone in a car: Get the license plate number and a description, if possible.
If you are attacked What if the unthinkable happens?
- If you are suddenly confronted by a predator who demands that you go with him–be it in a car, or into an alley, or a building, it would seem prudent to obey, but you must never leave the primary crime scene. You are far more likely to be killed or seriously injured if you go with the predator than if you run away (even if he promises not to hurt you). Run away, yell for help, throw a rock through a store or car window–do whatever you can to attract attention. And if the criminal is after your purse or other material items, throw them one way while you run the other.
- Get them “off their script.” Most attackers have an idea in their head of how their crime is going to go. If you do something unpredictable, the surprise can throw them off. Throw your bag at or past them and run the opposite direction.
The following works well for getting both strangers and acquaintances off their scripts:
- If he’s attempting a sexual assault and has you pinned, pretend to have a seizure or pee your pants. This might freak them out and throw them off their script. Many sexual assault perpetrators expect you to scream and beg. Some suggest using that time of negotiation to get them to think about what they are doing by asking them pointed questions: what happened today that made you decide to do this? Try to get them to think of you in the same way they think of someone they love, like their sister, etc. Getting them to see you as a person instead of a generic victim might get them to stop or to be less violent.
Drugs and alcohol
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A lot of younger TGs, especially in the club scene or in college, are going to encounter drugs and alcohol. I’ve personally made a number of bad decisions when drunk or high, from sex partners to other unsafe activities like going someplace with complete strangers.
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Alcohol is by far the most common problem. I like to drink, but it’s important to stay in control, or at the very least, stay with someone who is in control (i.e., not drinking or taking drugs).
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Don’t accept drinks when you are alone at a house where there are strangers (like at a party). Get/mix your own drinks: There may be a reason a person insists on getting or mixing you a drink. Getting you drunk or giving you “knockout drops” is an easy way to cloud your judgment.
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Don’t leave your drink or food unattended at a party or coffeehouse or lounge or anywhere else that people you don’t know and trust could have access to it.
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If you are going to use drugs and/or alcohol, try do do it with a group of friends, and try to have one who is going to take it easy that night and watch out for everyone else. Make sure your friends don’t let you go off by yourself with someone you don’t know well.
Safety in Numbers
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When going out, if you have a friend you trust with you, you are safer.
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Watch out for your friends and make sure they are watching out for you when you are places with lots of people or people you don’t know and trust like at a party or in a coffeehouse or in a bar.
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Make an agreement ahead of time with friends that you won’t let each other leave with people you haven’t planned to go with.
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Be aware. Now that you know about the date rape pill, it is your responsibility to watch out for yourself and people you care about.
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Don’t go home with someone you don’t both know and trust and
Most people are basically good, and physical attacks are fairly rare. Don’t let fear of an attack rule your life. Go out. Have fun. You’ve earned it after all you’ve been through. Just make sure you stay safe. The vast majority of attacks can be avoided by taking a few simple precautions.
So have fun, but be careful, OK?/p>
Sources: Andrea Brown at TransAlba Transsexual Support, LAMBDA, the Chicago Police Department and Queer Resources Directory
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