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Love Lessons

He Wants Love and You Want Friendship

by Dr. Tim Cline

Dear Dr. Tim,

I have a very good friend who has been in my life for two years. A mutual friend who thought we’d “hit it off” introduced us. We get together several times a week and talk easily. I’m not attracted to him romantically but he’s a very nice guy. He would like nothing more than for the two of us to be romantic, however.

He says what we have is very good but very odd because it’s not romantic. He says his friends frequently asking him if we “moved along” in our relationship. My friends don’t ask. I feel as though he enjoys our relationship for what it is but also holds out significant hope for the chance that my heart will change. After two years of soul searching, I’m confident that isn’t going to happen.

Am I taking advantage of the comfort of this relationship by not curtailing the time we spend together? Am I doing a disservice to him? Am I the one with my head in the sand? Ideally, I want to move toward seeing him less but I’m finding that hard to do since he is disabled and he has come to depend on me. I’m having a hard time extracting myself but also am aware of a growing resentment about this. Again, there’s a lot of good here. I’m just hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff and am feeling pretty cloudy.

Ron

Dear Ron,

Any decision you make seems to involve a compromise; it’s a darned-if-you-do, darned-if-you-don’t situation with no clear win-win outcome.

Your friend has been forthright about his romantic attachment to you, as well as his inability to let go of those feelings in favor of friendship. It is also clear that, while you are very fond of him, you do not share those romantic/sexual feelings. Your open, honest communication is commendable, but not enough to resolve the problem.

Your friend is far too willing to endure the pain of unrequited love. He prefers to hold on to the hope that if he is “nice enough” you will eventually recognize all of his wonderful qualities and decide that he is the man with whom you really want to share your life. In fact, he is so “nice” that you are questioning the validity of your feelings, and are experiencing guilt for not being everything that he wants you to be for him. His disability may be amplifying your guilt and leading you to provide him with a level of attention and support that he is more than happy to accept as substitution for the whole relationship he desires with you.

This has two potentially devastating effects: First, your well-meaning support can actually be holding him back from healing on a deeper level, and keeping him from finding the love that you are not able to give him. Second, the guilt and resentment you are experiencing will undo any good that may come from your support. To make matters worse, these negative emotions are likely to surface again in future relationships if you don’t resolve them now.

My advice? Call a time-out in the relationship – enough time for him to get over his romantic feelings for you, and to learn to reserve his deeper levels of “niceness” for a committed romantic relationship. You can use the time-out to figure out what motivates you to stay in this situation as long as you have (e.g. the need to see yourself as a nice guy, or to have attention and affection from someone who adores you) and how you can get those needs met in more appropriate ways.

Once you’ve had sufficient time apart to work on your individual issues, perhaps you will be able to reconnect as friends. Just remember that your first responsibility is to yourself; to look after your own well being – even if that means a permanent split.

This article courtesy of Dr. Tim Cline is a success coach, life strategist and relationship guru. He has a Ph.D. in Psychology, is a graduate of Coach University, and holds the Master Certified Coach credential. Currently he is the president of the Los Angeles chapter of the International Coach Federation, the international professional organization of coaches. As a therapist and coach, Tim has worked with GLBT singles and couples on dating and relationship issues for more than 15 years. Ask for advise and check out his other GLBT articles on

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