A Friend Apologizes

It's hard to believe that we have been the best of friends for thirty years, as of October 2000. If only marriages were this successful.  In many ways it seems like only yesterday that we met on my birthday, and yet so much has changed in both of our lives.  You'll be not very surprised to learn that according to my Communications course, you and I are not typical.  Apparently friendships don't survive things like differing lifestyles, geographic distance, child/no child differences and a host of other things that have had little effect upon us.

I remember every precious moment from when we met, and how very close we were and are.  In addition to the fact that I finally found someone who was interested in the same things that I was, you were one of the few males who didn't reject me.  Even though I hadn't come to terms with or understand that I was gay at that point, (although subconsciously I knew it), other males sensed it and I was persecuted for it.  Needless to say, you were that much more important to me because you didn't.  I never once suspected the pain you were in, and now wish I had been able to give you more than I did.

When you "came out" to me, my reaction surprised both of us.  It had been many years since I had gone through that process with you and you accepted me immediately.  I also had just been through this with Nikki who's transition was already in process and who I had no problem accepting.  My difficulty in accepting your situation was as baffling to me as it was to you, and probably even more distressing.

Thanks to my attending the TransFam meeting with you I realized the issues that were at work and they were all mine.  It was never about you, it was all about my insecurities.  The first thing I recognized was that I was angry at Cindy for metaphorically killing Roger.  There was a whole grief thing going on over what I perceived as the loss of my best friend.  I didn't know this "Cindy" person, but I knew and loved Roger.  It took a bit to get it through my thick skull that Cindy and Roger are the same person.  In fact in many ways Cindy is an improved version of Roger.

The second thing you should know is that while you've had a lifetime to deal with your feelings, I was completely clueless about them.  I went through the same transitory period with my parents who for some unfathomable reason were completely clueless that I was gay.  I understood at the time that they had been blindsided and needed some time to absorb what I had told them.  I know that you realize the same with me.  I've never outwardly rejected you, not even initially, but there was an adjustment period which had more to do with outward appearance than anything.  What I have discovered though is that I'm perfectly comfortable with you despite my initial concerns that I might not be.  In fact, none of it has been particularly disturbing to me except when you initially "came out," and that was more about my sensing something was going on and not knowing what it was specifically.  I had an uneasy feeling for the first time in our relationship prior to your telling me what you were going through that was my radar telling me something was "wrong" with this picture, but not being able to give it a name.  Now I know the name and I understand that it was the other picture that was wrong.

Finally my initial reservation was tied up with my having a "straight male" friend who actually accepted me.  I had been rejected by so many straight guys that I was thrilled that there was at least one who like me as I am.  On some level it validated me as "one of the guys."  Needless to say, finding out that you were a girlfriend put a small damper on that.  In retrospect it's ironically humorous, but at the time it really threw all my preconceptions into turmoil.  I confess I really didn't know what to make of this development, there was just no neat little category I could file it under.  Today it's filed under "friend."

How I wish I could go back and erase my initial reaction.  I can't deny my emotions at the time, but I'm apologizing for them here.  Through all of our relationship, you've carried me through thick and thin and vice aversa.  We've jointly been through just about all life can throw at you, and we've flourished.  Whatever you choose to call yourself and whatever your outward appearance, you are the rock I anchor to.  It's been an amazing and gratifying thirty years and I feel so fortunate to have you in my life.  So this is my apology to you for one of the bad times along with my early anniversary salute.  I love you like a sister and always have and I imagine I always will.