A Brother Learns To Accept His New Brother

Please know that I am happier than I've ever been. I am consistently seen as 8-10 years younger than my chronological age, simply because of the peace of mind of being me now. I'm working harder on lots of stuff to be better able to take care of myself and I have already made great progress. Right now I'm taking a short therapy break...a good time for it; I was getting stuck, and my therapist is in need of serious back surgery. I am no longer a totally dependent victim needing to be taken care of. There are lots of things about life that I am seeing and learning about, and it's kind of neat to be where I am at this point. Like a kid seeing things for the first time, and with the same sense of excitement sometimes. Sometimes kind of scary too, but not in the old way. I am not running away from life now. I am living, experiencing, and feeling life now, and it's good...VERY good. My transition has not solved all my problems, I was never under the illusion that it would. But it has enabled me to tap into an inner strength that others figured was always there, but was totally hidden from me. Now I know why. There are many things I am having to learn, about being a man, but also being a person. It is exciting!

Our expressions of our faith in God are very different, but many people have told me that hearing my life-story it is very obviously a God-driven journey. Throughout most of the first part of it all, culminating 3 years ago in January in the hospital, everything that has happened to me and with me since has been eerily non-coincidental. The people placed in my life, the situations, the opportunities, the experiences....all have made total sense to me at every turn. I have been very blessed to have been spared a lot of the turmoil that so many transfolk have had to endure, and also have been spared the difficult "in-between" place inherent in this journey. I was able to become who you see in the pictures with little trouble, being seen as male from the beginning. It is another indication that God knew what he was doing!

I see only good things ahead. Maybe not where any of us had envisioned life for me, but certainly incredibly different from what we had been seeing in my future for the last few decades (ouch...that makes all of us feel too old...sorry :~} ) I may never get all that far in life. But I have already had to journey farther than many people. Finally I am able to enjoy where I am.

I understand that this has been a difficult journey for all of you. I don't know whether it was easier or harder being so distant from each other. But none of you are alone in your feelings or reactions. Every transperson has family in some respect, be it biological, or chosen. Some are able to maintain good relationships with their families, some are not. Some families are actively supportive during transition, some are quietly supportive, some are negative, some have chosen to deny the existence altogether of their relative. Our family has been fractured for many, many years. Sometimes with the splinters very sharp and painful. Things have happened, and some of them will never be able to be healed. That is something painful, but sometimes necessary. But I have appreciated the attempts to accept and understand who I am and my journey to become me. Hopefully, that can expand to include meeting me. I really can be a fun guy to know!

I have some people in my life that are parents of transman, and gay transmen at that. They have offered to converse with any of you at any time, and can steer you to resources and support nearby if you would like. Just let me know. Kitten Gross, from Cleveland, especially, whom I met last winter in Maryland is a real peach. She and her husband Bob are active in PFLAG (Parents, Family, Friends and Allies of Lesbians and Gays) and founded TransFamily of Cleveland. They have many members, and meet every month for a potluck dinner and discussions. They have an email list I am on. I also have a book edited by another woman that I met in Maryland at the conference. It is a compilation of stories by relatives of transfolk. I bought a copy for myself, one to loan out to friends, one for the mom of a friend of mine, and one to send up for the 3 of you. It really is a neat book. Kitten and Bob Gross wrote about Mitch, who was one of my first buddies online, and the first transman I ever met in person.

I hope that this Christmas, the last of the century, can be the best one of the century. It sure is for me!

Gonna close this now, I can't believe I actually wrote a letter!